She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i've created a new STD.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
