Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
