After last night, I could never be a politician.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
