I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
