I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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