Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
