The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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