Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
