I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
