2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
