Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
