Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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