butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
