i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
