My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
