his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
