I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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