I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
