Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
