just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
