You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
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Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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