Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We need to get me chipped asap
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
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