he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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