I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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