Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
