I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
