Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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