I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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