weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
