too bad you live with your parents still
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm just crazy horny about you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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