I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
