I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
