I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize