Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
