My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
