Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
