You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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