If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
