Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
