They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
