I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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