be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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