Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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