im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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