Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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