Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
