well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
