Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
