She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
