I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
