he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
