i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
