NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
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He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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