I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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