Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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