He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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