first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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