And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
