I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
