she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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